Haven’t been blogging much… once again “life” gets in the way…
My mom has advanced-stage Alzheimer’s. She got the diagnosis two years ago, but we knew for a while that something was wrong. For whatever reason, she has declined rapidly since then. She has basically progressed through all the stages of the disease in two short years. For some people it can take twenty.
And since that diagnosis, I have been slowly grieving the loss of her. I have been mourning the loss of the mom I used to have. The one that used to call me all the time, the one that would tell me I needed to wear more jewelry, the one that would play with my girls for hours and have them giggling non-stop. I have been grieving all the things that used to drive me crazy. I am grieving the imperfect person who was so important to me. I am grieving the loss of the knowledge that my mom would just always be there for me, no matter what it was that I wanted to tell her.
She can no longer talk on the phone. She can’t walk very well. She can’t interact much. She is existing right now. And it breaks my heart more than it can bear.
I took my two girls to Michigan last week to visit her. My kids are still young enough to not completely get the illness… their biggest question was, “Will Nunna remember us?” Thankfully, we had days with her where she did seem to recognize them. Even if she didn’t completely know who they were, she perked up and would smile at them. Kendall would bring in her “squishy guys” to show her (her beloved little figurines she got out of a vending machine at Bob’s Big Boy ) and my mom would smile. Sometimes she would even say, “Oh, those are nice.”.
My mom had this amazing connection to my girls. It was a crazy connection. Especially to Kendall. Kendall looks like me, acts like me, can be a pain like me… and I think my mom just ate it up. No matter where we went, Kendall was holding my mom’s hand. And when my mom would stay with us, Kendall would wake up early, bring 50 stuffed animals into her room, wake her up and put on a show. I would tell Kendall to let her sleep in, but my mom loved it. She would whisper in Kendall’s ear that she could come in no matter what time it was.
She is now in an Alzheimer’s home. It’s nice. When I was there, my brother and I went to a Bed Bath & Beyond and bought her a new comforter, decorations and picture frames to decorate her room. She seemed to like it. The kids had fun making it just perfect for her. It at least felt like we were doing something in a situation where you really can do nothing.
We got the news on my last day there that my mom has a short amount of time left. I made the decision not to tell this to my kids. It will be hard enough for them when she passes away, I don’t want them to be grieving the loss of her for the next few months while we wait… like I am.
I’m really sad. So sad. At times I’m angry. At times I grab my girls and hug them until they say, “Mom, you can let go now!”. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. And there are days when I want to stay as busy as possible so I don’t have to think about losing her for good.
It’s interesting… people asked me if I took any pictures of her when I was there. I did take a few on my iPhone. But I didn’t want to. I don’t want to remember her like this. At the end. It’s not her. The real her left a long time ago.
I have to find a way to grieve. I’m not sure how to do that exactly. I also know that I need to do things that make me happy. I realized today that I haven’t taken my camera out in weeks. I think it’s time. I think that documenting my life with my photography is a way to honor her life. At least I hope it is.
I know everyone always says that life is precious. That you should tell the people in your life how you feel about them before it’s too late. And they’re right. Do it. Life is so short. I’m still too young to be without my mom. So if you’re one of those people out there lucky enough to still have your mom (or dad) in your life, tell them how you feel. Today. Right now. Don’t wait.
